I used to admire people who appear to truly know who they are. Confident, independent, and driven…qualitites I sometimes only wished to one day obtain. The more I think of it, the less I am certain that I’ve ever really known who I am. But the past few months I have realized that I am gaining something far more valuable than the knowledge of who I am…I am coming to see who I want to be. There has been something so humbling about letting go of my plans and securities. Fear is present in the uncertain but this time there has been a whisper of peace encouraging me to press on. I still sometimes lie in my bed, feeling completely alone and void of hope and wonder what it is exactly I’m doing. Am I trying to be brave? Because I am still lost and searching for so many answers. Do I have something to prove to someone? Because in the end, it does not matter what anyone thinks of me. Can I really do this? Because some days I can barely find the strength to make it through the day. But then, in the ordinariness of ordinary days, I find hope and strength that without such questioning and heartache, I would have easily overlooked. Its funny how life teaches us things. Sometimes the lessons that we’ve been needing to learn having been waiting in sun that rises every morning, the person we pass daily, or the opportunity we are ordinarily too busy to accept. And suddenly, the emptiness, and hurt, and confusion finds itself in the company of new beginnings and the excitement of growth. So who am I? I still can’t answer that fully. I am a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a nanny, a neighbor, a roommate, and a face you can choose to see or not. I am broken and healing. I am weak and I am strong. I am stupid and I am learning. My heart is easily broken (for better or worse). I struggle with finding the right words at the right times. I constantly doubt and compare myself. I can be lonely in a crowd of people. But somehow who I am no longer defines who I can become and my weaknesses give me hope for my future. Life is waiting and none of this really matters anymore…it might be part of who I am, but already God has proven to be greater than all of my expectations. I have a hope that I did not expect to feel and I am confident that great things, whether they be big or small, are on the horizon. So today, I feel hopeful. Tomorrow, who knows. I’m just going to take it one ordinary day at a time.
I'm living in a big world that just keeps on getting bigger. No matter where I am, there are people I love and miss. I guess this is just another beautiful and painful reality of life. I'm learning to risk, dare, try, believe, and hope. Basically, I'm just learning to love.