On May 26th at three o clock in the morning, Arina and I sat in the back seat of the taxi on our way to the airport. It was a beautiful, warm night, and the glowing moon rested low in the sky- illuminating the risen bridges. It was truly a breathtaking sight and I remember feeling slightly frantic, thinking I should take a picture but knowing that by the time I got my camera out, the beauty would have passed. I’ll never be able to show anyone the beauty that I witnessed that night but I think I might actually like it that way- sort of a secret goodbye. St. Petersburg pulled out all the stops that night and its beauty won’t be cheapened by a three by five glossy sheet of paper.
I think about that night a lot and the friends I said goodbye to, though I think little of everything else. I sometimes even wonder if Russia was all a dream. How can life just be what it was before? How can it feel like it doesn’t matter? Life is just a blur of busyness and the end of it all surpasses my vision. It’s not bad…it’s beautiful actually…but it’s busy.
One of these days I promise myself I’ll turn off my phone, shut down my computer, get in my car and just drive. I’ll drive away from the familiar, the excitement, the opinions, the expectations, the catch-up dates, the overdue phone calls, and every other direction I feel pulled in. I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’m expecting. I just want some time completely alone. Time to think. Time to process. Time to feel. I think perhaps I’ve been avoiding all of the above. But I’m getting tired of the emotional going.
I have little to share about what I’m feeling these days because I guess I’ve been feeling a little numb. Life just goes and my heart doesn’t know what to think. But it knows there is a difference between numbness and peace. Late at night that difference becomes a little more obvious.
I'm living in a big world that just keeps on getting bigger. No matter where I am, there are people I love and miss. I guess this is just another beautiful and painful reality of life. I'm learning to risk, dare, try, believe, and hope. Basically, I'm just learning to love.