My street is covered in white and trees are sparkling in the moonlight. Our first winter snow has arrived. Usually I like snow- how it blankets the earth in glitter and shushes the ordinary sounds of hurried life. Snow makes life different. It slows people down. It covers the dirtiness.
And yet, as I look out my window tonight, the snow does not appear peaceful or calm. The wind is whipping the falling flakes back in forth into a harsh fury. I am thankful tonight that I am inside-warm and sheltered from this storm. This time I am safe.
I sometimes think about how wise God is in allowing us only to live from one moment to the next. In my nearsightedness, I often wish I could see what the future holds. And yet, when I stop and look back on my life, I think that if I knew what each day held, there are some mornings…maybe even many mornings…that I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to get out of bed. Lately, there have been days when I wished I hadn’t.
Recently I’ve found myself caught in the middle of life storms. One after another, I feel beaten and bruised from their harshness and wearied by their relentlessness. Financial problems. Uncertainty. Layoffs. Unfulfilling jobs. Cancer. Depression. Loneliness. Car problems. Surgery. Fear. I wake up in the morning dreading the arrival of yet another storm and wondering if I have enough strength left to endure it should it arrive.
In the midst of my pain I feel angry at God that he could allow such things to happen. Shouldn’t it be his job to protect me from harm, keep me from pain, and make me happy? But the truth is, it’s not. I serve a God who is more concerned with my wholeness than my happiness. I am struggling to see the goodness in that and to view these trials as opportunities become a little more like the person I am supposed to be.
Lord, I am weary. Day after day I wonder when the rains will stop and peace will come. I search for you but instead of light, I find endless gray skies. Still, if these storms are here to bring about a deeper love within me, a greater capacity to trust you, or a heart that is more willing to serve others, then let it be so. But God, give me strength to continue on. I need strength. I believe you won’t let me go… but if I didn’t know any better...I’d think I’m drowning.
I'm living in a big world that just keeps on getting bigger. No matter where I am, there are people I love and miss. I guess this is just another beautiful and painful reality of life. I'm learning to risk, dare, try, believe, and hope. Basically, I'm just learning to love.