Sunday, March 2, 2008

In a Funkyfunk

Near breakdown today. Near? Well…maybe breakdown today. I think I’m in a funk that comes and goes and I really need to break out of it. I just feel so weird. Its like I’m suddenly realizing that in a few months I will be graduating and life will be so different. Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO ready to be done with homework, and tests, and always feeling one step behind. Especially now that I’m student teaching I feel like no matter how much I do, I’m never done and quite frankly, it’s overwhelming. But its more than that. I think when I went home and I got my wisdom teeth out and then returned to school I realized how good it feels sometimes just to be taken care of. To have my mom or my dad by my side…knowing that for a while I am safe and comfortable and I can go untouched by the pressures and stresses of life. Perhaps that sounds immature or pathetic but it’s how I feel and I can’t help but think how quickly life is changing. I am doing my best to see each day for what it is- a gift and an opportunity that I can never have back. And some days I can appreciate the beauty in that. But this week (like many in the past) I am struggling to view life that way. I just feel worn down and ragged. I long for a break from life but I know it would only bring temporary relief. True happiness only comes from enduring such trials and changes and seeing them as opportunites for growth and change. Lord, I need perspective.
Nevertheless, I see growth and I know it is the result of the trials and hurts I’ve experienced. Last night as I was laying in bed I started thinking about Ukraine. At times, I hated being there. Thats harsh, but honest. I was so out of my comfort zone, so far beyond what felt familiar or even within my abilities to endure. I often found myself struggling just to make it through the day. And now, I look back and long to be there. I would give anything to see my kids again, to hug them or play volleyball or the ever popular hand games. Yet at the time it seemed so commonplace, I did not always find great signficance or joy the little things for the perceived difficulty of my trip often clouded my view. And the more I think about it, the more I realize the only difference between then and now is location. Life is hard. It is. And there are days when the only thing you can do is seek the strength to make it through that day, that hour. But the past has taught me that the hardest times can also be the richest. I have little doubt that I will look back on this year and remember it as a difficult, yet transforming time in my life. Today was hard…but there’s always tomorrow! That kind of sounds more optimistic than I actually feel right now but whatever. It’s the truth.
“ Morning brings a hunger for new eyesThat have been covered by the hurt of yesterdayWho could create in me the vision of a little child?It’s youYou take an ordinary dayAnd turn it into flowers like the month of MayYes you doYou see all my painYou cry over it for hours till I’m new againYes you do
When I have been a victim of familiarityWhen my heart has fallen into sleepHealing is the voice that awakens meAnd it is you”