Monday, December 21, 2009

Still not who I want to be...

I know I'm on a journey but man...I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be.

Last night I was watching vidoes on youtube of Ukrainian and Russian orphans. Though this was pretty much a weekly occurance in the months following Ukraine and leading to Russia, it is something I haven't done in a while. As I watched them, I felt the stirrings of familiar feelings-grief, love, compassion, anger, and passion. Up until viewing those videos, the thoughts of my week included: shopping, sleeping in, finishing grades, boys (don't worry...not Russian boys), not feeling homesick, and food.

All trivial.

I love it when God reminds me of the bigness of his world, his love, and his work. Such moments remind me of how small and insignificant my selfish thoughts and desires can be. They remind me that there is so much more to life than shopping, boys, food, or even those I long for. It seems that such a realization should bring about disappointment. What? It's not all about me? But the truth is, I can't tell you the relief such reminders bring. Thank God, it's not all about me. What a boring, purposeless life that would be. I'm tired of the smallness of my thoughts and dreams. I'm tired of worrying about stupid things. Life is SO much bigger than foolish and fleeting desires.

Lord, forgive me for losing my focus and reducing life to existence. Remind me who you are, who I am, and who you have called me to be. Bring me to those your heart aches for, teach me how to love like you, and remind me that I am just as broken. God you are good. Your love is inclusive, your motives are pure, and your existence is hope. Make me like you.