I am nervous. What will it be like? What if my team members don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if I regret my decision? What if I'm not a good teacher? What if I get hurt, or robbed, or sick? I've never had such high stake butterflies before. I am nervous.
I am heartsick. I am well aware that although I will not be here to share it, life will go on for my family and friends. I will miss barbecues and birthday parties, shopping trips and coffee dates. I will miss meaningful conversations and meaningless joking. I will miss Thanksgiving and Christmas. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes. I ache at the thought of being apart from my family and friends. I wonder how I will manage to make it through the joys and hardships without my mom or dad, brother, or best friends to share them with. I am heartsick.
I am excited. Never before have I allowed myself to so fully let go and trust. I believe God will move and I am excited to see how. I look forward to meeting new people and building new relationships. I am hopeful that I will learn to speak Russian and be better able to communicate with those my heart still aches for. I am confident I will learn, and change, and grow. I am ready to embark on a journey of my own...one that is not prompted by another's interests or direction, but a journey born from my own experiences, woundedness, and calling. I am excited.
But above all, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that a shy, timid girl can find the strength and courage to step out in faith and into the her Father's plans. I am hopeful that a life as ordinary as my own is capable of doing extraordinary things. I believe it is possible to make a difference and I find hope in the fact that this is just another step in the journey, another chapter in the story. And whether this turns out to be the best or worst year of my life, it will also probably be one of the most transformative. I am hopeful.
Nervous. Heartsick. Excited. Hopeful.
All of these and yet so much more.