Friday, February 5, 2010

A Better Way to Go

There are a lot of ways to die in Russia. You could step out in the street (even when you have the right of way) and get hit by a car because it seemed like too much trouble to the driver to stop. You could drink yourself into liver failure. You could slip on the ice and crack your head open. You could even piss off the lady at the cash register enough by not paying with exact change to truly put your life in danger. I mean really, the options are endless. However, with the recent temperature fluctuations, I've come across a new favorite: Death By Icicle.

Now don't laugh. Death By Icicle is a serious matter. In fact, when I was in Dublin I was in a little bookshop looking at a travel guide for St. Petersburg (don't ask me why, I know I went to Dublin to get away from St. Petersburg...) and it talked about how every spring people die from falling icicles. Initially my thought was, "that is a terrible way to go!" But after some serious pondering I've changed my opinion. In fact, if I'm going to die a tragically, I think Death By Icicle is actually my preference now. Everyone dies of heart attacks. Cancer? So commonplace. But icicles? Now that is something special. I already dicussed it with Katie last week and we've got it all planned out. I want it to be really special so decorations at my funeral will include ice sculptures and thousands of sparkly icicle lights. Popsicles and snow cones will be served after the service and there will be icicle jousting to occupy the youngsters. It's sure to be a memorable experience and you're all invited. Date: TBA.

*Note* If, as irony would have it, I do actually die from a falling icicle, please note that the plans stated above are my actual wishes. I want the icicle lights. And the the snow cones...preferably cherry.


Karen said...

That's it: I'm bring you a bicycle helmet when I come in the spring--I hear that that's when the icicles are most dangerous anyway, with all the weather warming up.

katie said...

1. your blog title is also the radio shack slogan from forever ago.

2. you forgot the casket gliding on the ice skating rink. it will happen.

3. don't die until i can hug you one last time.