Friday, January 29, 2010

Defunkifying Myself

I can be an emotional person sometimes- let's just get that out there. When I feel things I feel them with great intensity (specifically joy, sadness, excitement, and anxiety). Since being in Russia I feel like my emotions have leveled off some. Until recently, I could probably count on one hand (okay, maybe one and a half) the number of times I've had a good hard cry here. That might not sound like much to you but taking all things into consideration (being a girl, living in a foreign country, being a girl, missing my family and friends, being a girl...) I find it quite impressive. However, since returning from my European excursion, I've felt completely weighed down by the darkness that surrounds me. Maybe it is the cold, or loneliness, or a fear of what is to come. Maybe it a combination of a lot of things. Either way, I've felt a fair amount of sadness, loneliness and dare I say, even hopelessness lately. So I've put in some time feeling sorry for myself, uped the crying finger count to toes, and came to a conclusion I'm pretty confident in: I'm PMSing and I just need more Jesus in my life.

This morning I was reading in Romans and I came across a particular passage that made my heart feel soft, squishy, and slightly pathetic for wasting so much time and emotion not trusting God with my life. The "he" in this passage is referring to Abraham. It reads:

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he promised." Romans 4:20-21

Read it again, but let the squishy heart factor sink in this time.

""...being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised."

I feel like there are a lot of things going on right now. Some decisions to make, some loneliness to battle, some insecurities to overcome...but God IS still in control. He hasn't brought me to this country or place in my life to leave me or without a purpose in mind. My belief needs to be more like that of Abraham's. I need to believe in spite of the odds, my circumstances, and emotions, for God is bigger than them all.


Deanna said...

I feel ya, sistah! It is really hard, especially after such fun travels, to come back. I've been there, and I'm still fighting the exact feelings you described. See Ps@lm 30 (esp. verses 5, 11, and 12).

Karen said...

I'm praying for you, Lizzie!

Megs said...

i'm going through all those same things... surrounded by friends and coworkers... loneliness creeps in still. you are so strong by being where you are and letting God take you that far already! i'm following your blog now :-)

Rod said...

Elizabeth, I enjoy reading your blog and have to admit that you are like a daughter to me (don't freak out!) - that would be like a surrogate daughter. I think of Katie getting close to leaving and see where you are in your journey and the thoughts of fear, dispair, loneliness, apprehension, concern come rushing in - and that's in ME!!!! In light of what God has promised and everything else that comes with traveling on a Jesus Journey, here are some words of encouragement. First, the journey is helping to shape you into what He wants - like the Potter and the clay (Romans 9:21 MSG). I see God shaping you into a vase for holding flowers - I also am learning that God can choose to do what He wants repeatedly, if we are willing (see my 1-27-10 blog entry). Second, He promised to NEVER leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5 MSG is good, but check out the Amplified version!!). Finally, God has brought you out of one place to take you to another, one that has more blessing (Deuteronomy 6:23 NLT). His leading ALWAYS has purpose, for us individually, and for those we will touch. Fear Not! Daughter of God (Isaiah 43:1-2 NIV).

Ellen Jeanne said...

Wow, I have been holding onto this same passage lately. Very important for me in this season as well. I'm so grateful to know it's been with you as well!