A Mosaic of Thoughts

Last Call!

2012-02-02T00:39:00.000-08:00

http://brightersideblog.blog.com/

I did it!

2012-01-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well I did it. After months of empty talk, I finally created a new blog. It is my hope that I can be dedicated to writing again as a way of documenting this crazy life. You can find me at:

http://brightersideblog.blog.com/

Papa A

2011-06-19T22:00:00.002-07:00

Happy Father's Day, Papa A! I miss you a ton and love you even more!

Missing Russia

2011-05-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm missing Russia like crazy. It could be an overall dislike for current location and/or jobless situation or maybe I'm just feeling drawn back to life overseas. Either way, something has me longing for the dirty streets and beautiful architecture of Russia. I miss my friends there, (some of) the food, and a sense that what I was doing had value. Now my time is spent filling out applications for jobs I'm 98% sure I'll never hear back on. It gets old and discouraging after a while and so perhaps it's just easier to idealize the past than be content with a frusterating present. My life is good here...it really is. I'm blessed to already know some pretty awesome people nearby and I'm looking forward to meeting more as we continue to build this new life together.

Still, I woke up grumpy this morning and I'm searching for a way to remedy that now. It is sunny this morning for the first time in a few days and I think I might go for a walk to clear my head before getting back to some applications. I guess it's just a matter of weeding out the imperfections and frustrations of my life so that I can see how truly beautiful it already is. Some days that is easier for me to do than others. Today, I miss Russia.

In with the new

2011-05-16T19:32:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start a new blog. Pretty sure of it.

Here we go!

2011-03-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

‎4 days until Katie returns
7 days until my last day of work
23 days until our wedding
24 days until our honeymoon and
35 days until we move to California

LIFE IS SO EXCITING RIGHT NOW!!!

Oh hi there

2011-02-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

It appears my blog has made a liar out of me. My best intentions to write more have obviously fallen short, though I am vowing to be a bit more consistent from here on out. (You haven't heard that before, have you?!)

With that said, I have no real thoughts to share today except two rather exciting announcements.

1. I'm an Aunt! Little Ella Noelle was born last Friday making me an aunt to the cutest niece in the world. No seriously, she's the cutest.

2. I'm getting married two months from today. This is big, people. Life is a changin. Get. Ready.

2010-12-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

Let the writing begin!

2010-12-15T13:36:00.001-08:00

I was just looking back at blogs I had written around this time last year and it made me realize how little I've written lately. Sure, I'm not living in a different country, I don't have Russian lessons to dread or crazy postwomen yelling at me. But I do have plenty of other things to dread and I care for a 13-month that does her share of screaming. ;-) What I mean is that while life is now different, it is no less challenging or significant or beautiful and I say it deserves to be remembered. So here is to more consistent blogging. Let the writing begin!

:)

2010-12-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

Life is feeling better. Maybe it's because it's Christmastime. Maybe it's because it's Friday. Maybe it's because Joel is home. Maybe it's a combination of many things. I'll take what I can get and tell you without a doubt...I am blessed.

Advent

2010-12-02T17:31:00.000-08:00

During this time of advent I am seeking to reflect on the meaning and hope that can be found in this season.

The entire article can be found here: http://rejectapathy.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23640-why-advent

"...The math should move us on that. The Bible is not a collection of war chants from victors—it’s an incredibly varied collection of writings reflecting an intensely diverse amount of postures, moods and perspectives.

A lot like how life is, actually. Sometimes you’re furious with God, other times you’re madly in love.

The issue then, as it is now, isn’t just getting us out of Egypt—it’s getting the Egypt out of us.

Rescuing us from sameness, dullness, flatlined routine, reminding us that however we’re feeling, whatever we’re experiencing, wherever we are in our heart—the Spirit waits to meet us there.

And that takes us to Advent. Advent, then, is a season. Lots of people know about holidays—one day a year set apart. The church calendar is about seasons, whole periods of time we enter into with a specific cry, a particular intention, for a reason.

Advent is about anticipating the birth of Christ. It’s about longing, desire, that which is yet to come. That which isn’t here yet. And so we wait, expectantly. Together. With an ache. Because all is not right. Something is missing.

Why does Advent mean so much to me?

Because cynicism is the new religion of our world. Whatever it is, this religion teaches that it isn’t as good as it seems. It will let you down. It will betray you.

That institution? That church? That politician? That authority figure? They’ll all let you down.

Whatever you do, don’t get your hopes up. Whatever you think it is, whatever it appears to be, it will burn you, just give it time.

Advent confronts this corrosion of the heart with the insistence that God has not abandoned the world, hope is real and something is coming.

Advent charges into the temple of cynicism with a whip of hope, overturning the tables of despair, driving out the priests of that jaded cult, announcing there’s a new day and it’s not like the one that came before it.

“The not yet will be worth it,” Advent whispers in the dark.

Old man Simeon stands in the temple, holding the Christ child, rejoicing that now he can die because what he’d been waiting for actually arrived.

And so each December (though Advent starts the last Sunday of November this year), we enter into a season of waiting, expecting, longing. Spirit meets us in the ache.

We ask God to enter into the deepest places of cynicism, bitterness and hardness where we have stopped believing that tomorrow can be better than today.

We open up. We soften up. We turn our hearts in the direction of that day. That day when the baby cries His first cry and we, surrounded by shepherds and angels and everybody in between, celebrate that sound in time that brings our Spirits what we’ve been longing for."

-Rob Bell

2010-11-29T21:36:00.000-08:00

Stormy Weather

2010-11-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

(Written Monday, November 22, 2010)

My street is covered in white and trees are sparkling in the moonlight. Our first winter snow has arrived. Usually I like snow- how it blankets the earth in glitter and shushes the ordinary sounds of hurried life. Snow makes life different. It slows people down. It covers the dirtiness.

And yet, as I look out my window tonight, the snow does not appear peaceful or calm. The wind is whipping the falling flakes back in forth into a harsh fury. I am thankful tonight that I am inside-warm and sheltered from this storm. This time I am safe.

I sometimes think about how wise God is in allowing us only to live from one moment to the next. In my nearsightedness, I often wish I could see what the future holds. And yet, when I stop and look back on my life, I think that if I knew what each day held, there are some mornings…maybe even many mornings…that I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to get out of bed. Lately, there have been days when I wished I hadn’t.

Recently I’ve found myself caught in the middle of life storms. One after another, I feel beaten and bruised from their harshness and wearied by their relentlessness. Financial problems. Uncertainty. Layoffs. Unfulfilling jobs. Cancer. Depression. Loneliness. Car problems. Surgery. Fear. I wake up in the morning dreading the arrival of yet another storm and wondering if I have enough strength left to endure it should it arrive.

In the midst of my pain I feel angry at God that he could allow such things to happen. Shouldn’t it be his job to protect me from harm, keep me from pain, and make me happy? But the truth is, it’s not. I serve a God who is more concerned with my wholeness than my happiness. I am struggling to see the goodness in that and to view these trials as opportunities become a little more like the person I am supposed to be.

Lord, I am weary. Day after day I wonder when the rains will stop and peace will come. I search for you but instead of light, I find endless gray skies. Still, if these storms are here to bring about a deeper love within me, a greater capacity to trust you, or a heart that is more willing to serve others, then let it be so. But God, give me strength to continue on. I need strength. I believe you won’t let me go… but if I didn’t know any better...I’d think I’m drowning.

Get Ready.

2010-10-31T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm marrying this boy and I couldn't be more excited. Stay tuned.
Photos by the fabulous Joshua Mahar- www.joshuamahar.com

Life is Beautiful

2010-10-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday two of my dear friends tied the knot. As I was sitting at BJ and Kendra's wedding, watching them exchange their vows, I felt overwhelmed by the beauty of my life. I watched my friends commit to spend the rest of their lives learning how to love and serve each other a little more every day. Incredible. The happiness on their faces blew me away.

I am trying (though fail as I do) to see significant beauty in each day. Some days (like yesterday) it's easy. Other days (like Mondays) it takes a little more effort. But it's there-the beauty. Lately, I've seen it in the changing leaves, in unusually light traffic, and in a baby that sleeps an extra ten minutes. I've seen it in strangers that let you cut in front of them at the grocery store, in kind text messages, in hot coffee on a crisp fall day, and in quiet, relaxing evenings.

Truth is, the more intentional I am about believing that goodness and beauty can be found, the more evident it becomes. I find this reality to be...well...beautiful. ;-)

To Be Whole

2010-10-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

There is about an eighth of a mile stretch of road that I walked every Sunday on my way to church in St. Petersburg. Well, I suppose I walked much more than that, but it is this eighth mile stretch of memory that has been haunting my thoughts lately.

It took me upwards of forty-five minutes to get to church but the last seven minutes were by far my favorite. I had to pass through a gated section that often had uniformed guards outside of it. The guards never bothered the pedestrians passing by, but they always checked each vehicle for authorization before allowing them to pass through the metal gates. The area had little traffic and always seemed eerily quiet in comparison to the bustling streets just yards away. This street was lined with large buildings, at least one of them being a hospital and I’d always glance up at the windows in hopes of gaining clues as to where I was and what I was passing through. I used to wonder what type of hospital it was- if the patients were able to come and go as they pleased or if the guards at the gates were there to keep them in. Farther down the road was a building that always smelled sickeningly of some sort of meat. I’d look in the windows at the ladies with their hairnets and I’d make up stories in my mind reminiscent of The Jungle.

It sounds a bit morbid, perhaps, these thoughts I would think on this eighth mile stretch of icy pavement. But I looked forward to this bit of walk every week. I liked it because it was quiet and hidden and mysterious and unknown. I liked it because it lent itself to melancholy thoughts. I felt lonely walking along this road but in the best of ways; lonely in an awareness of my utter need for God, my incompleteness without Him, and the inability of anything else to ever fully satisfy. The street made me feel small and insignificant, lonely and lost, in this huge, demanding, mysterious world. The street gave me perspective.

I liked my weekly walk because its deep emotions usually felt contained in that eighth of a mile chunk of ice and asphalt. The melancholy would usually pass as I’d eventually focus on a life that was too busy to just be.

Lately, though, I’ve been feeling loneliness beyond the confines of the guarded gates. I won’t claim to be alone when I say that sometimes, maybe even many times, I desperately wish something or someone else could make me feel whole. There is something to be said for an embrace that comforts the soul, food that nourishes the body, or a hobby that distracts the mind. Something that can be physically touched or felt. Each of these, in its moment, offers temporary satisfaction and then as the embrace departs, the food digests, or the hobby fades, we realize we are left in want.

My loneliness has been disguising itself well. It has felt like fear. It has felt like anxiety. It has felt like disappointment. I feel it now, with my lamp lit and the rain against my window. But tonight, present as it may be, I am striving to feel it not as a burden, but as a gift - an invitation to stop trying to let anything else complete me and just rest in the love that has already covered me.

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing, this loneliness. Maybe its God’s way of reminding me that while I’m off trying to fill myself with physical manifestations of comfort…he is waiting. He is patient in his loneliness for me, wanting nothing less than to empty me to the point of His fullness.

God, please do not weary in your waiting for me. It is you alone that I want. Forgive me for my forgetfulness. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for my fear. I believe, but help my unbelief.

A Few Things:

2010-10-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

1. I really hate being sick.
2. I really love fall
3. BJ and Kendra are getting married SOON
4. I am getting married. I can hardly wait. Joel is my favorite.
5. I really hate being sick. Did I already say that?

When it rains

2010-09-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

They say when it rains, it pours. I’ve found myself looking to the keeper of the rain and praying that these rising waters will not become deep enough to drown me. In the midst of recent storms, I’m searching for rainbows and clinging to promises.

I sometimes mourn the fact that life is not constant; that good things change and fade and sometimes altogether disappear. I sometimes question the significance; the point in the struggle and the reason for the hurt. But it is part of the beauty, I suppose. Difficulties water our lives and remind us that while worth it, growing is not pain-free.

Today, in this moment, I can appreciate the tension in and perhaps even the necessity of this reality. But tomorrow, oh God, should the waters rise beyond my perspective, be merciful to me. Remind me to press forward for treading water is the surest road to exhaustion. Remember your promises to us. Bring and be peace. Lord, keep us afloat. All of us.

Weekend Plans

2010-09-03T16:31:00.001-07:00

1. Workout at least once (dream big, right?!)
2. Do laundry
3. Spend time with family
4. Clean car
5. Journal
6. Buy shoes
7. Eat peanuts and candy corn
8. Have a breakdown and be done with it
9. Find perspective

Thanks, Nouwen

2010-08-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

"Today, O Lord, I felt intense fear. My whole being seemed to be invaded by fear. No peace, no rest; just plain fear: fear of mental breakdown, fear of living the wrong life, fear of rejection and condemnation, and fear of you. O Lord, why is it so hard to overcome my fear? Why is it so hard to let your love banish my fear? Only when I worked with my hands for a while did it seem that the intensity of the fear decreased.

I feel so powerless to overcome this fear. Maybe it is your way of asking me to experience some solidarity with the fearful people all over the world: those who are hungry and cold in this harsh winter, those who are threatened by unexpected guerrilla attacks, and those who are hidden in prisons, mental institutions, and hospitals. O Lord, this world is full of fear. Make my fear into a prayer for the fearful. Let that prayer lift up the hearts of others. Perhaps then my darkness can become light for others, and my inner pain a source of healing for others.

You, O Lord, have also known fear. You have been deeply troubled: your sweat and tears were the signs of your fear. Make my fear, O Lord, part of yours, so that it will lead me not to darkness but to the light, and will give me new understanding of the hope of your cross."

Amen.

~Henri Nouwen

2010-08-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling anxious today. It's not my favorite feeling.

In Search Of

2010-08-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

I found this in a magazine and it rang true.

"Went looking for self. Found others."

Dear Life,

2010-08-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Life,

Some days your uncertainty is too much for me. Other days it feels like a grand adventure. Common sense tells me the middle ground is where I should strive to exist. Experience tells me the safety of the middle is actually the most dangerous place to be. Life, teach me kindly to accept the uncertainty and embrace the adventure. The road ahead is long. I pray we've only just begun.

Cold Coffee

2010-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

I’m finding mornings to be beautiful. I never used to be a big morning person and truthfully, if the morning starts before 7:30, I’m still not. But there is something hopeful about the promise found in the damp coolness of a new day. This morning, like most other mornings, I awoke with a list of carefully planned to-dos. I find it strange that no matter how many items I cross off, the list never seems to get much shorter. Thankfully today, a quiet, cool, hopeful morning is at the top of the list.

Last night I watched “Darfur Now” and I wondered why I had never seen it before. Obviously I’d heard about the happenings in Darfur but I guess I had never really thought to investigate them further. Someone else could figure it out. I fear this is a pattern that is too easy to fall into. Don’t want to hear about suffering or injustice? Turn off the news. Inequalities sounds like a downer? Don’t buy the newspaper. Poverty not really your thing? Good, because you’re not in poverty. It’s amazing how whole a broken world can appear if you know where to avoid looking.

I suppose it’s not that we don’t want to help- maybe we just don’t know how. If we start talking about poverty we realize how much inequality still exists. And where there is inequality there is injustice and where there is injustice there is suffering and the solution just gets bigger and harder to imagine. The wounds of the world are rarely surface scratches that can be healed with some topical treatment and a bandaid. No, these wounds run deep and while we are all called to bring about healing, there is risk of personal injury involved. In my experience, calling rarely exists without risk.

When I was in Russia there were many days when I longed to be sitting back in a coffee shop in the states. When I returned home, I realized why. For me, coffee shops are a sign of familiarity, security, safety and comfort. I remember many coffee dates, sitting in Starbucks talking to my friends about what I thought Russia would be like and how I hoped to get to know the culture and love and serve people every opportunity I got. My conversations were hopeful and passionate and naive. Loving and serving people are easy to talk about when you’re warm and comfortable. They're easy to talk about when you’re healthy or safe. They're easy to talk to about when you’re in good company and have a four dollar drink in your hand. It’s another story when your caffeine buzz wore off months ago and you’re cold and lonely- frustrated and unsure. There is nothing wrong with coffee shop chats, but the dreams and plans we make are only words until we live them out.

“Darfur Now” reminded me that even though I’m tired and maybe a little confused about what it is I’m supposed to do with this life, the world continues to hurt. The pain doesn’t lessen because I think I deserve a break. Selfishly, I’m finding that to be a disappointing truth. But it’s time to turn on the news, pick up the newspapers, and open my eyes. Brokenness is not their problem-it’s our problem. It’s time to allow the sickness of the world to sink into my being so I feel urgency to think and feel and ultimately to act. God, forgive me for my apathy. Help me to know when the coffee cup is empty and I’ve rested long enough in my overstuffed chair. Give me the courage to walk through that door. Give me the wisdom to know where to go.

Motion

2010-07-09T17:41:00.001-07:00

"If you came back, you wanted to leave again; if you went away, you longed to come back. Wherever you were, you could hear the call of the homeland, like the note of the herdsman’s horn far away in the hills. You had one home out there and one over here and yet you were an alien in both places. Your true abiding place was the vision of something very far off, and your soul was like the waves, always restless, forever in motion."

Dear Katie,

2010-07-07T23:23:00.001-07:00

HURRY HOME!

List as of Late

2010-07-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy and I really haven't done the greatest job of blogging. I do believe there might be some semi-meaningful thoughts in me somewhere, but they aren't ready to come out quite yet. So lately instead of blogging I have been:

1. Reading
2. Looking at WEDDING venues online
3. Drinking lots of water
4. Spending time in Seattle
5. Getting headaches
6. Eating lots of fruit
7. Missing Joel
8. Job searching
9. Wedding dress shopping
10. Running
11. Catching up with friends
12. Watching chick flicks
13. Catching up on music
14. Eating Red Mango every chance I get
15. Getting excited to go to Pasadena

Redeeming Love

2010-06-28T13:23:00.001-07:00

"Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be till I die..."

are we there yet?

2010-06-26T10:19:00.001-07:00

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..."

2010-06-19T00:53:00.000-07:00

On May 26th at three o clock in the morning, Arina and I sat in the back seat of the taxi on our way to the airport. It was a beautiful, warm night, and the glowing moon rested low in the sky- illuminating the risen bridges. It was truly a breathtaking sight and I remember feeling slightly frantic, thinking I should take a picture but knowing that by the time I got my camera out, the beauty would have passed. I’ll never be able to show anyone the beauty that I witnessed that night but I think I might actually like it that way- sort of a secret goodbye. St. Petersburg pulled out all the stops that night and its beauty won’t be cheapened by a three by five glossy sheet of paper.

I think about that night a lot and the friends I said goodbye to, though I think little of everything else. I sometimes even wonder if Russia was all a dream. How can life just be what it was before? How can it feel like it doesn’t matter? Life is just a blur of busyness and the end of it all surpasses my vision. It’s not bad…it’s beautiful actually…but it’s busy.

One of these days I promise myself I’ll turn off my phone, shut down my computer, get in my car and just drive. I’ll drive away from the familiar, the excitement, the opinions, the expectations, the catch-up dates, the overdue phone calls, and every other direction I feel pulled in. I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’m expecting. I just want some time completely alone. Time to think. Time to process. Time to feel. I think perhaps I’ve been avoiding all of the above. But I’m getting tired of the emotional going.

I have little to share about what I’m feeling these days because I guess I’ve been feeling a little numb. Life just goes and my heart doesn’t know what to think. But it knows there is a difference between numbness and peace. Late at night that difference becomes a little more obvious.

…guess that means it’s time for bed…

Yeah...What She Said...

2010-06-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

http://knestor.blogspot.com/2010/06/happy-day.html

Home Sweet Home

2010-05-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

*Note* Jamie, Daniel, and Bentley were there too! I was just lame and didn't get pictures!

!?!?!?

2010-05-23T12:35:00.001-07:00

I've been loving life lately. The weather has been gorgeous. I've been in excellent company. I've finished teaching. I'm seeing fabulous things. Home is only a matter of days away.

Home is only a matter of days away.

I think today, for the first time actually, that reality sank in...just a little. I'm going home. In two days. Part of me immediately thought "woohooo! I'm going home!!" while the other part of me thought, "holy (expletive)...I'm going home."

My roommate Rachael leaves for the airport in about 3.5 hours. I feel slightly nauseous.

:-)

2010-05-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

ONE WEEK

2010-05-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to all my Washington peeps ;-)

...also, I crack myself up.

2010-05-19T04:28:00.000-07:00

I can't help it, it makes me feel like summer.

We Did It!

2010-05-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had our certificate cermony and honored those students who had attended class regularly and worked hard all year. It was incredibly satisfying to hand our students certificates and watch as they tried to hide how proud it made them. It was strange to say our goodbyes, some of them met unexpectedly with tears. But we did it! My roommates and I have successfully completed a year of teaching English overseas and we have a pride and sense of accomplishment to match our students. :-)

As Morning Breaks

2010-05-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

It’s about 4:30 am and St. Petersburg is still quiet with sleep. For some reason I find myself unable to join her people this morning. No matter, I think that like so many others in the past few days, this quiet, unexpected moment is something to be treasured. The sky is light, the air from my open window is cool and I can be alone with my thoughts. It’s good.

Friday night was Arina’s Birthday and so to celebrate, we took her on a canal boat tour. Honestly, it was probably one of my favorite things I’ve done since being in St. Petersburg. The air was warm, the sights were beautiful, and I was surrounded by the people that have shared in and supported me through the ups and downs of this adventure. As we floated down the canals I had an overwhelming sense of peace and satisfaction, and a longing to somehow freeze those moments of seeming perfection.

Yesterday morning I went on a five mile run that Joel had suggested. I had attempted this run before but my terrible sense of direction always got the best of me. But yesterday I was successful. I ran across beautiful bridges, above sparkling blue waters, and past spectacular landmarks like Peter and Paul fortress and the Hermitage, all the while feeling a forgotten sense of joy well up inside of me. As I ran, I thought about how only a few months ago, the sky was gray, the air was cold and the flowing water beside me was frozen solid. I thought about periods in the past nine months when my heart mirrored the season and remained cold, dark, and hardened towards its purpose in Russia and the blessings surrounding me…even amidst hardships. Perhaps I feel some regret over days I wasted here in Russia. I wish that instead of grasping for whatever brought me comfort, I would have embraced the unknown with greater boldness, knowing that it would soon be over. I wish that I had loved others with greater selflessness. I wish that on days when life seemed dark, cold, and gray, I would have done a better job at seeking out the Light. And yet as I ran, God reminded me of a beautiful truth…a truth that brought about a sense of freedom. He reminded me that He has the power to work through me, in spite of me. That, my friends, is incredibly reassuring news.

And so I've been having these moments lately-on a boat, running through my foreign home, sitting on a windowsill- that have almost taken my breath away with their beauty. They are moments I wish I could freeze so I could hold onto them forever. They are moments when life just feels...perfect. I am not so naive as to think life will remain in a state of perfection. Maybe just the opposite in fact. And I think that is what has made these moments so incredibly special. For when I think back on my time in Russia, I will probably remember the hard days. I will certainly remember the cold days. I will remember the days when my soul felt tired and confused and restless. But I will also remember the friendships, the beauty, and the moments of perfection that caused me to stop and ponder the goodness and faithfulness of my God.

From my seat on this windowsill, I think I can see things pretty clearly. Darkness and light, greetings and departings, trials and triumphs, restlessness and roots...these are the things life is made of. And what a beautiful life it is.

Echoes

2010-05-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

“I'm still so remote from God that I don't even sense his presence when I pray. Sometimes when I utter God's name, in fact, I feel like sinking into a void. It isn't a frightening or dizzying sensation, it's nothing at all—and that's far more terrible. But prayer is the only remedy for it, and however many devils scurry around inside me, I shall cling to the rope God has thrown me in Jesus Christ, even if my numb hands can no longer feel it.”
~Sophie Scholl

From my seat in Kazan Cathedral I could see this. I could hear the voices of Orthodox believers, joining together to praise God. I watched as strangers lit candles and kissed icons, presenting their pleas and concerns to God and waiting to hear him speak. I suppose I came to do the same. I came here to find God. To hear him and to feel him and to know that whatever I am going through or feeling He is still with me.

But today my prayers felt less like a conversation and more like an echo; bouncing off the chaos and change of life and returning unanswered. And the harder I tried to pray, the more my words failed me. So I just sat there, quiet and desperate before God. Maybe that is what He wanted from me. Stillness. Emptiness. A heart that is finally tired enough to listen to the echoes.

I’m not afraid of His current silence, I’m just longing for the day of peace and clarity. I’ve given him my sin and fears and failures, so while my heart may feel the sting of abandonment, my mind remembers the faithfulness of my Father. And I'll wait.

It’s ironic though, isn’t it? How silence can deafen a person, stillness can shake the soul and emptiness can be the most important step toward wholeness? I do not understand the workings of God. I probably never fully will. But I know my sleeplessness is not without reason. So tonight I’ll sit here, quiet and emptied before my Savior and wait. God, may the echoes of silence speak.

Momhead

2010-05-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

When I was young I wanted to be Nancy Drew. Her life just seemed so exciting. Adventures, besties, convertibles…Ned. It all sounded great. Then I wanted to be Anne Shirley (but really, what girl doesn’t?!) I had an “Anne of Green Gables” journal and I remember even trying to write words like, “lovely” and “splendid” in it because I thought that was how Anne might write in her journal. Embarrassing. After that I wanted to be like Audrey Hepburn. That one needs no explanation.

Over the years I have longed to be like others. My idols and role models changed depending on my age, interests, and friends. But there is one that has remained constant through the years. My Mom.

She is strong. When others are weak, she has proven to be trustworthy, constant, and encouraging. When she is weak, she knows in whom she must find her strength. She takes time to listen, to share in sorrow and joy, and offer advice when wisdom presents itself. She is full of surprises, hilarity, and wit that sometimes make you wonder if you heard her correctly. She holds me tightly and lets me go. She begins each day on her knees. She knows fear and concern but she continues on in spite of it. She is beautiful. Truly, truly, beautiful.

It is all of these things and more that make me admire, respect, love, and long to be like her. I love the way she tells me things will be okay, or cries with me when it feels like they won’t be. I love that she leaves me little notes of encouragement or sends me emails just to chat. I love how she’ll laugh with me in dressing rooms until our sides hurt and other customers wonder what on earth is going on. She is my “You’ve Got Mail” buddy, my shopping partner, my coffee date, and my best friend. And truthfully, Nancy Drew, Anne Shirley, and Audrey Hepburn got nothin’ on my Mom. Things change, people change, and life changes, but this will not change.

My blessings are countless and my mom is one of my greatest. The world is a better place because Laura Miles is in it. Period.

Running on Empty

2010-05-06T12:33:00.000-07:00

"I know that life is a doorway to eternity, and yet my heart so often gets lost in petty anxieties. It forgets the great way home that lies before it. Unprepared, given over to childish trivialities, it could be taken by surprise when the great hour comes and find that, for the sake of piffling pleasures, the one great joy has been missed. I am aware of this, but my heart is not. It seems unteachable; it continues its dreaming… always wavering between joy and depression"

~Sophie Scholl

Useless Desires

2010-05-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

"Say goodbye to the old street
That never cared much for you anyway
The different-colored doorways
You thought would let you in one day
Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting
The weekend edition has this town way overrated

You walk across a baseball field
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years
Wishing you would anyway

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way
For the little aches and pains
The ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this

I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Say goodbye to the old building
That never tried to know your name
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You won't be seeing me again
Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun
Like diamonds on a winter day
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
Burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hangin' around
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires"

yikes.

2010-04-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Almost 3am. Lately, I've been having bad dreams. Tonight's dream included a severed arm, a bloody foot, and two injured children in a car accident. This sort of thing makes sleep less appealing and a lot less enjoyable.

I think I'm going to look at pictures of ponies and rainbows before trying to go back to sleep...

Thou Knowest

2010-04-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight Arina and I walked home from Nevsky, side by side, the same way we had eight months earlier; only this time, no longer strangers but friends. As we walked, we talked about how quickly time has passed. I remember when I first arrived, exiting the airport and inhaling the warm Russian air. It smelled like garbage and Ukraine and adventure, and I remember wondering if this foreign land would ever feel familiar to me.

And familiar, it now is. Not in a, this-feels-like-home kind of way but in a, you’ve-become-a-part-of-me kind of way. And maybe that is even better. I drink tea and talk about the temperature in Celsius and see God in the everyday victories. I read Cyrillic (slowly and painfully), know what kind of milk to buy and what kind of cheese to avoid, and on some days, when I’m standing amidst the crowds in the metro or walking down a quiet street, I catch a brief glimpse of utter clarity and it all makes sense. It is in these moments I can appreciate the enourmous gift of this beautifully challenging experience.

Tomorrow is April 26th- exactly one month from my date of departure. If my grandpa were here, he’d say, “Where did it all go?” And tonight I think I’d say, “I know, right?”

I have mixed emotions when I hear my friends and family talk of their excitement surrounding my return. On one hand, I’m counting down with them. There have been nights when my heart has literally hurt because I missed everyone so much and I longed to be back with them. My journal keeps record of all of the things I can’t wait to do as soon as I get back. And still, there is another part of me that feels frustrated and bothered when we talk of how great it will be when I return. Arrivals rarely exist without departures, beginnings often follow endings, and goodbyes are ever present. It’s just all so bittersweet.

And here is the tension. I am ready to be with the people who know and love me. I’m ready to be with the people I know and love. I’m ready to belong again- to not feel like an outsider or a bother everywhere I go. I’m ready to know how to act and what to say and how to say it. But I’m not ready for it to all be over. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I’m not ready to trade a life I don’t know quite how to live in, for a life I don’t quite know what to do with. The past two years have been spent if not in Russia, than thinking about Russia or planning for Russia. And in one short month, I will inhale air that no longer smells like anything to me, step onto a plane, and it will all be over.

Does this sound overly dramatic? Maybe it is, it’s certainly possible. But when I’ve gone to sleep at night lately, these are the thoughts that have filled my mind. Change and I are learning to get along, but I’m not sure we’ll ever be best friends. Afterall, it’s hard to be best friends with someone who is consistently breaking and hurting you. Even if it is in the name of growth.

Love

2010-04-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

Okay yes, I stole this from someone else's blog. But only because it was sooo good.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

сегодня

2010-04-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today was a blessing. I could try explaining why but I suspect it wouldn't make sense or my words would just cheapen it. But it was good. Really good.

2010-04-17T17:55:00.001-07:00

Skype pulled through and my heart is happy. SO happy.

darn the bad luck

2010-04-17T17:13:00.001-07:00

It is a little after four in the morning here and I am awake with the hopes of being skyped into my cousin's wedding. These hopes are quickly fading.

My family (extended and all) is currently at the beach, spending time together and celebrating the marriage of Rachel and Aaron that is going down...oh...right about now. My brother is officiating the service.

I want to be there.

There are many things I love in life. Weddings and family are at the top of the list. I love weddings 1) because I'm a girl and they are weddings 2) they inspire and excite me 3) they remind me that love is a commitment that goes beyond fluctuating feelings. I love my family 1) because they are incredibly supportive and loving 2) they are made up of some of the funniest people I know and 3) because I just have the best family. I know you probably think that that YOU have the best family...and I don't blame you for thinking that as you've never been a part of mine...but just rest assured that you're wrong. Mine beats yours. And yes, it is a competition.

I do my best to be content with my present circumstances. But currently, my bed in St. Petersburg, Russia is the last place I want to be at a time like this. I miss being part of my family and I'm not a fan of missing once in a lifetime events. But nevertheless, I'm so excited for the changes that have occurred. So congratulations, Rachel and Aaron. Our family is growing and becoming even more awesome (if that's even possible). And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

shalom

2010-04-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life, fleeting as they are, when everything feels perfect. And the only thing you can really do is breathe deeply, close your eyes, and thank God.

At Last

2010-04-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

Spring has come to St. Petersburg. I see it everywhere. On the bare sidewalks. In the warming temperatures. Even on the faces of those I pass on the street. It is as if winter is loosening its dark grip and people are beginning to remember what it feels like to be kind and happy and hopeful again.

Growing up in Washington, I've experienced some dark, rainy, winters. But they are nothing in comparison to this winter in St. Petersburg. After a while the darkness just wears on you. The cold takes it toll. And without noticing a change had even occurred, I found myself feeling down, pessimistic, and lethargic. Winters can be hard. Life can be hard.

I think that is what I like about so much about the changing seasons. They remind me that just like winter will eventually fade into spring one day, so will the difficulties and problems we are currently facing. For better or worse, change will never leave us to ourselves for too long. A new season is always on its way.

As the sun begins to shine on this beautiful city, in this country far from home, I am reminded things will not stay the same for much longer. In fact, change has already begun. The death and darkness that made itself at home during the winter will now stand witness to new life and light. Hope has risen and spring is here. And I can't say what, or why, or when, but I just get the feeling that this new season has the potential to be incredibly beautiful.

1.5 months left in Russia. Let's do this.

SPRING

2010-04-14T06:48:00.001-07:00

Spring has redeemed Russia for me. Details coming soon.

Stumbled upon this little gem this morning...

2010-04-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

"...Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for men to pray-not shaking angry fists at enemies but raising holy hands to God. And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it."
1 Timothy 2:8:10 The Message

...we are hunters, hunting for something that will make us okay...

2010-04-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was little and my parents would tell me I was beautiful.

I remember laughing because I knew they had to say that. They’re my parents.

I remember having a conversation a few years back with a guy about girls and body image.

I remember him saying how stupid he thought it was that girls struggle with the way they view themselves.

I remember thinking his words were incredibly insensitive and completely true.

I remember a prayer that was prayed over the girls on the CIS team as we prepared to come overseas.

I remember it was a prayer of protection- that we wouldn’t fall into the false belief that is strongly felt here-that our worth comes from what the mirror or the scale says about us.

I remember coming to Russia and being amazed by all of the high heels, makeup, and tight clothing.

I remember thinking how ridiculous it is that a size four is borderline fat here.

I remember feeling sad that so many women here find their worth in how skinny they can be or how beautiful they can look.

You know what I don’t remember? When I first started believing those lies for myself.

God, I thought I could rise above these pressures without you. I thought I had a firm enough understanding of what truly matters in life. I thought I was confident in the fact that my worth comes from you. God, I was wrong.

Forgive me. Remind me. Help me.

Help us.

Birdcage Religion

2010-04-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

"So slowly I'm losing
who I've sworn to be.
a promise in pencil
that years have made so hard to read.
I've spent my life building walls
brick by brick and bruise by bruise...
a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep.

but time is spinning silk
that coils ruthlessly;
with the devil's patience,
it binds my hands so quietly
that soon it becomes a part of me.

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie.
and help me remember
the hope that i have compromised.

please be a broken record for me."

2010-04-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

"A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times when we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities dirty and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wineskins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death."

Top Ten

2010-03-28T06:08:00.000-07:00

This week's loves:

1. Jam on cottage cheese
2. Cooking/baking blogs
3. Rain
4. Patty Griffin's "Making Pies"
5. Listening to my ipod on my way to work
6. Podcasts
7. Orange black tea
8. Reading at Frickadelki
9. My journal
10. Frozen/blended bananas

Easter People

2010-03-28T00:49:00.000-07:00

"Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song."
Pope John Paul II

"...We are the Easter people and HALLELUJAH is our song."

Rain

2010-03-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

You know what late night, solitary walks in the rain are good for? Washing away the idea that life can be perfect...that it can ever be perfect. They are good for melting away facades of courage and independence and having things figured out. They are good for cleansing the mind of life’s busyness…even good busyness.

Late night solitary walks in the rain are good for reminding me how important late night solitary walks in the rain are. While I find time to be alone, little of it is spent in solitude. There are thoughts I've been avoiding thinking, prayers I've neglected praying, and attitudes/habits I've denied altering.

This will change.

Already?

2010-03-21T12:56:00.001-07:00

I love Fridays. You know what I don't love?

Mondays.

Lullabies to Sushi

2010-03-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

When I was going into the sixth grade my family moved from a city about twenty minutes north of Seattle (Lynnwood) to a city about fifty minutes south of Seattle (Puyallup). Truthfully, the move was pretty traumatic for me. I missed my friends in Lynnwood and being shy, I found it very difficult to make friends at my new school. I would walk the track by myself during recess and count down the hours until I could go home. I can laugh at how pathetic that sounds now, but at the time life felt incredibly painful. Who knew loneliness could physically hurt.

Sunday nights were the worst. I'd feel sick with dread as I thought about the five days ahead of me that were sure to be filled with anxiety, feeling out of place, and longing for the friends and familiarity I had been forced to leave behind. On these difficult nights as I was trying to fall asleep and longing to be someone/somewhere else, I'd listen to a Kenny Loggins lullaby tape on my walkman. Maybe I was too old for songs about rainbows and wishes and unicorns but they provided a feeling of comfort and stability that I craved. To this day, whenever I hear Kenny sing "St. Judy's Comet" or "To-Ra-Loo-Ra"(don't judge) I feel a familiar sense of peace and comfort. Though the world around me felt lonely and out of control, my home was a place of refuge where life was safe and love could be found. These songs reminded me of this.

Tonight we out for sushi to celebrate my roommate’s, 25th birthday. It was the first time I've eaten sushi since being in Seattle and as soon as I took my first bite it immediately reminded me of home. Seattle is filled with a lot of excellent things(coffee, rain, art, bicyclists...) and sushi is certainly one of them. Eating it reminded me of late nights at Wasabi Bistro or heading to Blue C Sushi after work. It was like a little piece of home rolled up in rice and seaweed and it was so wonderful! I felt giddy thinking about my return as I was eating it.

If you're having a difficult time figuring out how I got from lullabies to sushi, I certanly wouldn't blame you. I'm not really sure I know how to articulate the connection. I just know that as I was lying here snuggled in bed-not feeling wonderful and sort of just wanting someone to take care of me- both of these things came to mind. As I thought about them, I was reminded of how exceptionally beautiful my life is.

I am so blessed to be able to look back on even the most difficult times of my life and never doubt that I was loved and supported. I am so lucky to be able taste home and feel joy instead of bitterness or hurt or disappointment as many in this world do. You know that cheesy saying, “home is where the heart is?” Well…it’s filled with some healthy bits of truth. Though I am far from home, the memories of it have traveled safely with me. And still, I realize as I prepare to head back to the place I love and call home in a few months, I will bring with me new memories of a new home. In the process of leaving home, I've realized how much I really love it. In the midst of needing home, I've realized it can exist simultaneously in more than one place.

Perhaps my roots have loosened a little. I've been told this happens as we grow. At times it is scary to think about where I might be transplanted and end up, though I can't feel a sadness about the uprooting process. Without it, I never would have discovered how beautiful and deep my roots truly are.

Skipping Work

2010-03-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

So my current voice situation has reminded me of last year when I was in the same, but slightly less uncomfortable situation. I lost my voice so I called in sick to work (good luck controlling two year olds with no voice...they don't even listen when you have a voice....) but because I didn't feel sick, I played with my friends in Seattle. It's possible I should feel bad about this but I don't. Well, not really. The following pictures are dedicated to my P-town crew ;-)

Oh Friday...

2010-03-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

Fridays, around 12:30pm are quite possibly one of my favorite times of the week. I only teach two classes on Fridays and so I arrive home just about this time with the worries of the work week behind me and the knowledge that the weekend awaits. This weekend is sure to be a busy one. It is Shannon's birthday on Sunday and Rachael and I have planned a few surprises for her (I feel safe in telling you this now because I'm 98% sure my roommates don't read my blog).

I had plans to play pool with my good friend Arina this afternoon (she's teaching me) but I haven't been feeling well lately and my cough and sore throat have now turned into no voice and pain in my chest (don't worry mom, I'll steam). I've lost my voice before but it has never hurt...which concerns me slightly this time...but only a little. I seem to always have weird health things going on so I figure it's a little too early in the game to be too concerned.

Though I would much rather not have to cough every time I inhale or sound like a man every time I try to speak, there is something nice about having a reason to slow down, put your pajamas on before lunch, take a three hour nap, and drink tea all day. So that's all for now. My water is boiling and my bed is calling my name. Happy Friday.

B.O.

2010-03-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

On a scale from one to ten, how terrible would it be of me to teach a lesson on the benefits of wearing deoderant?

A Night on Nevskiy

2010-03-16T12:52:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I forget why I'm here. Sometimes I forget how incredibly blessed I am to have this opportunity to experience so much! How careless it is of me to waste my time longing to be somewhere else or in different company.

So tonight I bundled up and headed to Nevskiy to walk the the streets. (Does that sound wrong?) I spent about an hour wondering around a huge bookstore in the center. I bought myself a new journal and on an impulse bought "The Catcher In The Rye"

When I was finished on Nevskiy I went to this little cafe where I ate a salad, wrote in my new journal, and just sat and people watched. It was perfect. I ususally prefer to share experiences like these with other people, but tonight, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was a beautifully refreshing evening and now I feel even more motivated to not waste a single day that I have left here. In spite of my complaining and bad attitude at times, I truly do love my little Russian life.

Russian Rockstars

2010-03-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

People who learn Russian are rockstars. They are. I'm not putting myself in that rockstar category because truthfully, I'm not sure I can say I'm "learning" much Russian. I have, however, learned how to be an excellent head nodder, subject changer and nervous laugher. So these lessons aren't a total waste.

I attribute my lack of learning/rockstarness to two main things:
1. I'm convinced I have a brain tumor that severly hinders any attempts I make to remember things.
2. I don't honestly try THAT hard.

But both of those factors are beside the point and they make my complaining sound less legitimate. So let's just forget about them. Below you a basic outline of my lesson tonight. If it sounds like a lot of blah blah blahing, then I'd say my re-telling skills are pretty strong.

Galina: Seechac cases.
Me: Uh oh.
Galina: Nyet, "uh oh" Elizabet. Nyet. Cases etta normalna. Genetive etta nemnolga trudna. Nemnolga.
Me: Ha. (Maybe for you!)
Galina: Blah, blah, blah, nomative, genetive, dative, accusitive, instrumental, prepositional, blah blah blah. Vaprosi, Elizabet?
Me: Uh. Well. Uh...nyet?
Galina: Blah, blah nyet mix. Nyet mix. Nyet. Panymiesh?
Me: Uh. Well. Uh...Da?
Galina: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....
(and so it continued for an hour and fifty minutes)

Mondays officially make me feel stupid.

Weekend in Review

2010-03-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

Joy can't hide forever. This weekend I found it in the following nouns:

Video skype/my parents

Chili Night

Witnessing new experiences

Joel

Sunshine/blue sky

Not Pictured:
Bible study
Pizza Hut with Shannon and Arina
Journal shopping
Napping
Tea with students
BJ and Kendra's engagement

Dear Jesus,

2010-03-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Could you come a little closer tonight? Could you remind me what I'm doing here? Could you remind me who I am? Better yet, could you remind me who YOU are?

Sometimes I forget.

Thanks, Linda

2010-03-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

I'm really not sure how they got this video of me singing...I usually only do this act in private...

(You'll have to cut and paste because I couldn't figure out how to embed this little guy)

http://www.sesamestreet.org/video_player/-/pgpv/videoplayer/0/b9ba8a9b-1550-11dd-8ea8-a3d2ac25b65b

In Search of...

2010-03-09T04:45:00.000-08:00

Joy. I think I set some of it down somewhere I can't seem to find it. The problem is, I didn't realize I had lost it until only recently. The good news is I'm on the lookout for it. I have a good feeling about this search.

Happy Women's Day To Me

2010-03-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

Can it be? My Russian teacher is a no show??? No Russian lesson? Yes, God is good. Can I get an Amen!?

Procrastination

2010-03-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

I have my Russian lesson in about 2.5 hours and I should probably study...which is exactly why I'm writing a blog. Here they are- life thoughts, happenings, and concerns as of lately.

1. Today is International Women's Day which I guess is a day to celebrate women. I, for one, celebrate how great it is to be a woman every day (with the exception of a few every month) though I do appreciate the day off from work.

2. Tomorrow is not Women's Day and thus, I will go to work. We will be discussing cultural gender roles and how they've got it sort of messed up here in Russia and that women are worth a lot more than their looks and ability to cook and clean for their man. So basically I'm seeking to impose my own personal beliefs on my students. And they will accept them. Or they will fail.

3. My neighbors are smoking inside and it is seeping in through the walls and I sort of hate it. Truthfully, I might as well just take up smoking while I'm here. I mean, why fight it? Eveyone's doing it...

4. I had a dream last night that an alligator was attacking me.

5. I know this doesn't speak very highly of my ability to focus on what truly matters in life...but I really miss my clothes.

6. My Dad and I have a date planned for when I return. We'll get coffee and then sit on a bench in the mall and make fun of people that walk by. Just like the old days. (You can't blame me for the way I turned out...it's my parents' fault!)

7. I keep buying vegetables with the every intention of eating them. I keep throwing away squishy, hairy, moldy vegetables.

8. I've been thinking about home a lot lately. I need to stop. I have a little less than three months left in Russia and I need to live them to the fullest.

9. I continue to say and do awkward things. Really awkward things. I have this hope that you can grow out of awkwardness but I'm beginning to have my doubts.

10. Last week one of my students gave me chocolates as an apology for calling me profane names in an email he sent me while drunk on New Years. Sweet of him, huh?

11. I could eat dried fruit and nuts all day every day. Especially banana chips. And especially cashews.

12. I realized that since coming to Russia I make my bed every morning. I even feel a little disturbed if I leave my room and my bed is not made.

13. My friends are growing up and getting married. Uh...

14. I like the feeling of sore muscles after working out.

15. I've successfully put off studying my Russian for ten solid minutes. Go me.

2010-03-05T12:01:00.001-08:00

Ohhhh life. Sometimes I just can't figure you out...

Rambling Thoughts

2010-03-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

I have thoughts today. Big thoughts. The kind of thoughts that often spend a lot of time in my head and come out sounding a lot less eloquent then they did before making their public debut. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’ve been in Russia for sixth months now. Sixth months! You need two hands to count the number of months I’ve been in the Motherland so I feel okay about thinking that is a long time. I was talking to a friend the other week about coming home and she told me she had a feeling that I wouldn’t stick around for too long because I’m a lot more independent now. I had to laugh a little because life in Russia has made me feel like I’m anything but independent. I depend on others on a daily basis…to translate the language, to help me buy things, to give me directions. I still feel like a child, sounding out words and feeling victorious over simple things like ordering food by myself. Independent? No. Pathetic? Well, yeah…a little.

Everyone keeps telling me I’ll be different. Before I began this journey, those words excited me. Now they make me feel uneasy.
I’ve spent the past two months actively trying to figure out the location of the next year or so of my life. If you were unaware that I’ve been seriously considering staying overseas for another year, well…it’s probably because I didn’t tell you. I needed to feel like my decision was a result of God’s leading and not the thoughts or opinions of those I love. I can now say with confidence I am supposed to return to the states. I can say with hesitancy that I am excited about it.

There is a real sadness in all that I will leave behind; new relationships, unique opportunities, challenging lessons, good friends, and a world that was beginning to resemble home. My foreign life now feels strangely familiar. However, at the same time, the thought of being with my family and friends again fills me with great joy. There has been an aching in my heart ever since I left them. I plan on consuming an unhealthy amount of calories in food that actually has flavor and spending countless hours just sitting in coffee shops. I’ll drive a car and buy everything I need at one store and walk outside without feeling like my appendages are about to fall off.

And…then what?

I have no plans for life post May 31st. I guess this can be viewed as an exciting next step of the journey but honestly, it’s also a little unnerving. The only qualifications I really have are to teach and this is profession I’m not really wanting pursue any longer. I just long to do something that helps people...that improves their lives. Otherwise, mine is a waste. I haven’t forgotten God’s faithfulness in the past, or the ways he continues to provide for me. I’m just wary of the transition process…figuring out where it is I fit, what it is I’m supposed to do, and who it is I am now.

So like always, there are a lot of unknowns. I don’t know how Russia has changed me. I don’t know what the next chapter is. I don’t know where exactly I’m meant to be or what it is I’m supposed to be doing. But if my past is any indication of what the future might hold, it promises to be like nothing I could have planned or expected. Which is probably why I am a bit concerned…

It Almost Happened...

2010-03-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

My concerns were validated today. I did a ridiculous dance on the ice. The only thing that kept me on my feet was the fact I was clinging to Rachael's arm as we walked to work. Thank God for roommates who don't let you down (please recognize the wit in this statement).

Currently

2010-02-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have already lived in Russia for six months...which means there's only three to go. It sort of boggles my mind slash makes me feel really excited/weird/nervous/sad. Life will soon be different. However, this is what it's like now.

Currently thinking about:
-My Russian lesson tomorrow
-How many tests I'm going to have to take away tomorrow due to cheating
-How quickly time is passing
-Training for a marathon?
-Sugar
-An article I read about being/not being vegetarian

Currently concerned about:
-My Russian lesson tomorrow
-Fitting into a bridesmaid dress...(uh...yikes)
-Slipping on the ice/slush

Currently addicted to:
-Grooveshark.com
-Muesli
-Tylenol PM
-Chapstick
-Oatmeal

Currently excited about:
-The upcoming three day weekend
-Having spent four hours in Starbucks yesterday
-Life changes
-Home
-Having made my way through the Moscow metro all by myself to find Starbucks. I've come a long way since my first days in St. Pete!

Currently tired of:
-Winter
-Skin that glows in the dark
-Going grocery shopping and still never having food
-Being awkward

Currently wanting to:
-Eat cake
-Go running
-Travel
-Explore St. Petersburg more
-Watch "You've Got Mail"

Currently content with:
-Future "plans"
-The fact that tomorrow is already Monday
-Figuring out life as it comes
-Having spent the last two hours of my life watching a trashy teenage dance movie with my roommates

Compassion

2010-02-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

"Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it. As busy, active, relevant ministers, we want to earn our bread by making a real contribution. This means first and foremost doing something to show that our presence makes a difference. And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer. Those who can sit in silence with their fellowman, not knowing what to say but knowing that they should be there, can bring new life in a dying heart. Those who are not afraid to hold a hand in gratitude, to shed tears in grief and to let a sigh of distress arise straight from the heart can break through paralyzing boundaries and witness the birth of a new fellowship, the fellowship of the broken"

~Henri Nouwen

Winter

2010-02-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Just when I started having hope that perhaps winter was on it's way out, we were hit with another wave of fairly unbearable weather. Today as I was walking from the metro to church, the icy wind was blowing snow into my face and it stung...like a lot. My fingers were numb and my toes were burning and I just kept thinking to myself, "man...this really sucks."

In an effort to take my mind off of the self-inflicted misery I now find myself in, I made a list of all of the things I love/hate about winter in Russia. It goes a little something like this:

I hate:
1. Painful hands and feet
2. Wind that burns
3. Wind that blows snow into your face that then burns AND stings
4. Red faces
5. Taking ten minutes just to get dressed to go outside
6. The threat of Death By Icicle
7. Slippage
8. Snot freezing in your nose
9. Darkness
10. Arctic temperatures
11. Lethargy
12. Muddy slush (ew.)
13. Hat hair
14. Incredibly pale skin
15. Did I mention the painful hands and feet? Because that's a big one.

Things I love:
1. Scarves and mittens
2. Hot drinks
3. Watching other people slip on the ice (I secretly find a lot of enjoyment in this)
4. ...?....?.....

out of the ashes love will be realized

2010-02-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

A friend from SPU is currently staying with me here in St. Petersburg. She went to Russia the same summer I went to Ukraine and through our conversations I’ve found my thoughts returning to Bogodukhov yet again. I’ve been in bed for an hour now but my mind refuses to rest. It’s useless to try and ignore it- my thoughts belong to Ruslan tonight.

I think Ruslan was about nine years old when we met him. He and my teammate Sachi really hit it off and they spent the five short weeks together playing soccer, communicating through charades, and learning what love looks like. Ruslan was always smiling and yet, it was clear that naturally there was a deep longing within him to experience the love of a family. At one point, he asked Sachi if she would adopt him. I can’t imagine what Sachi probably felt in that moment. I thank God it wasn’t me. I’m not sure my heart could have handled it.

On the day of our departure, many of the children woke up early to see us off. We stood on the pavement hugging and laughing and crying and feeling emotions I’ve never experienced before or since that day. Ijust kept thinking how quickly five weeks can pass. How quickly strangers can become friends and brothers and sisters. How quickly love can defeat fear. How quickly a heart can break and plans can change. The moment was beautifully heartbreaking.

Some of us brought pictures of us or our families to give to the children as a way to remember us. Not all of them owned photographs so it was a big deal for some of them. Sachi had a picture of her with her mom and brother which she gave to Ruslan and he treasured it. After our final goodbyes, we climbed into our van and prepared to leave. We looked out from behind wet and blurred vision as the children encircled the van and pressed their hands against the window, with tears to match our own. And then from the crowd emerged Ruslan. We watched as he dug into his pocket, looked at Sachi, and pressed the picture of her family against the window.

Helpless… it’s how we all felt. We felt helpless as we looked on at our friend and teammate and watched her heart break all over again. We felt helpless as we looked at Ruslan and so many others like him, knowing that his longing for a family will probably always remain a longing. We felt helpless as the bus rolled away, leaving 120 beautiful, innocent, and wounded children in a place not much different from where we had first met them.

I’m not really sure how a life should respond to such an experience. How do you go back to normal when you’ve held the small hands of children that have called you mama? How do you go about everyday tasks when they feel menial and selfish in light of difficult realities? How do you explain it? Why so much injustice and why children?? How do you use the pain and anger and confusion in a way that doesn’t just add to the brokenness of this hurting world?

I haven’t figured it out. I don’t know where I belong or what I should be doing. I just know that this world is starving for a love that won’t fade or abuse or abandon it. I know that despite my best and (selfish) efforts, I can’t forget about those kids. I know that thoughts of Ruslan, Oleg, Oksana, or Denis won’t just go away. But thoughts and memories aren’t good enough and on nights like these I wonder...where do I go from here?

Sunlight and Coffee

2010-02-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

Last week we had a couple days that though still cold, were sunny and beautiful. One day I realized that if I put my head at the foot of the bed I could look out my window and see nothing but the sun. I spent a good twenty minutes just lying there soaking it in and pretending I didn’t know the ground was still blanketed with snow and ice. It was a reminder that there is light, even in the midst of darkness and that winter won’t last forever. It is strange how something as simple as the sun shining through the clouds can fill a person with the hope and anticipation of change.

This morning I awoke before my roommates, and though I would have loved another half hour of sleep, I forced myself to get out of bed in hopes of encouraging productivity today. I like it when the apartment is quiet and still- there is something that feels very welcoming and safe about it. So I made myself some coffee (okay, Nescafe) and I just sat at the kitchen table to think about nothing.

Sun streaming through bedroom windows, quiet mornings with hot coffee…these are the beautiful things in life. And truthfully, life is too big not to focus on the little things. I’ve done a pretty excellent job lately of looking too far into the future. I’ve found the haze and blurriness of my future to be stressful and unsettling. And really, I’m not sure why. I think perhaps the fact that we don’t know what awaits us should be viewed more as a gift than a frustration. Life will figure itself out, right? It always does. I think today might be waiting to be beautiful.

2010-02-06T03:11:00.000-08:00

We build bridges
Don’t we
Sometimes need a hand

Despite our best laid plans
Don’t we
Sometimes miss what we had

And we struggle
Don’t we
Sometimes lose the reasons

But in the peaceful morning
We can clearly see
Where we’ve been

Oh, and the tide pulls us out, alright
Oh, and the tide pulls us out, alright
Oh, when the tide brings us back
How sweet it is

~Liz Durrett

2010-02-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

A Better Way to Go

2010-02-05T04:04:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of ways to die in Russia. You could step out in the street (even when you have the right of way) and get hit by a car because it seemed like too much trouble to the driver to stop. You could drink yourself into liver failure. You could slip on the ice and crack your head open. You could even piss off the lady at the cash register enough by not paying with exact change to truly put your life in danger. I mean really, the options are endless. However, with the recent temperature fluctuations, I've come across a new favorite: Death By Icicle.

Now don't laugh. Death By Icicle is a serious matter. In fact, when I was in Dublin I was in a little bookshop looking at a travel guide for St. Petersburg (don't ask me why, I know I went to Dublin to get away from St. Petersburg...) and it talked about how every spring people die from falling icicles. Initially my thought was, "that is a terrible way to go!" But after some serious pondering I've changed my opinion. In fact, if I'm going to die a tragically, I think Death By Icicle is actually my preference now. Everyone dies of heart attacks. Cancer? So commonplace. But icicles? Now that is something special. I already dicussed it with Katie last week and we've got it all planned out. I want it to be really special so decorations at my funeral will include ice sculptures and thousands of sparkly icicle lights. Popsicles and snow cones will be served after the service and there will be icicle jousting to occupy the youngsters. It's sure to be a memorable experience and you're all invited. Date: TBA.

*Note* If, as irony would have it, I do actually die from a falling icicle, please note that the plans stated above are my actual wishes. I want the icicle lights. And the the snow cones...preferably cherry.

Watch and be "wowed"

2010-02-02T04:45:00.000-08:00

I found this video on youtube and I think it is absolutely beautiful. Kseniya Simonova is the winner of Ukraine's Got Talent. She uses sand on a light board to express the effects of the German invasion in World War II.

Coming Soon

2010-01-30T01:54:00.000-08:00

"Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness posesses you..."

February 1, 2010. Good. Bye. Sugar. (I will miss you!)

also

2010-01-29T02:00:00.001-08:00

I misuse/overuse commas. Get over it.

Defunkifying Myself

2010-01-29T00:31:00.000-08:00

I can be an emotional person sometimes- let's just get that out there. When I feel things I feel them with great intensity (specifically joy, sadness, excitement, and anxiety). Since being in Russia I feel like my emotions have leveled off some. Until recently, I could probably count on one hand (okay, maybe one and a half) the number of times I've had a good hard cry here. That might not sound like much to you but taking all things into consideration (being a girl, living in a foreign country, being a girl, missing my family and friends, being a girl...) I find it quite impressive. However, since returning from my European excursion, I've felt completely weighed down by the darkness that surrounds me. Maybe it is the cold, or loneliness, or a fear of what is to come. Maybe it a combination of a lot of things. Either way, I've felt a fair amount of sadness, loneliness and dare I say, even hopelessness lately. So I've put in some time feeling sorry for myself, uped the crying finger count to toes, and came to a conclusion I'm pretty confident in: I'm PMSing and I just need more Jesus in my life.

This morning I was reading in Romans and I came across a particular passage that made my heart feel soft, squishy, and slightly pathetic for wasting so much time and emotion not trusting God with my life. The "he" in this passage is referring to Abraham. It reads:

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he promised." Romans 4:20-21

Read it again, but let the squishy heart factor sink in this time.

""...being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised."

I feel like there are a lot of things going on right now. Some decisions to make, some loneliness to battle, some insecurities to overcome...but God IS still in control. He hasn't brought me to this country or place in my life to leave me or without a purpose in mind. My belief needs to be more like that of Abraham's. I need to believe in spite of the odds, my circumstances, and emotions, for God is bigger than them all.

Twilight

2010-01-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

I've tried writing a blog ever since I've been home but I seem to have lost all inspiration. I'm sure I'll find it again one of these days but for now-the current song I listen to on repeat.

Let the Adventure begin!

2010-01-03T05:35:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight the adventure begins.

Prague
Vienna
London
Dublin

I am one very happy/lucky girl!

Pictures and stories to come!

The birds of the air

2009-12-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

As a preschool teacher, it isn’t difficult to see that some children handle change better than others. You quickly learn that in order to avoid meltdowns, certain steps should be taken. For example, it is best to give these children a warning that change is coming. “Okay, friends, in five minutes we are going to start putting our toys away so we can line up.” It is also wise to give these children a rundown of the schedule so they know what to expect. Change can seem less bothersome or scary when they know what the outcome of the change will be. “After we line up, we will go upstairs for Judiacs…won’t that be fun?!” (…yeah…I taught at a Jewish preschool…) If you’re lucky, these steps reduce the freakout sessions to tears and fists to the ground instead of tears, fists to the ground, hair pulling, and biting. If you’re lucky.

As I sit here, hours away from the New Year, I feel a mixture of excitement and dread as I think of what 2010 might hold. I have been in Russia for about four months now and the reality that soon I will be starting my last semester is beginning to set in. I can see the end now. Home isn’t a distant dream. But things have changed. I have changed. Home has changed. New friendships have sprouted that I have no control over or part in. I feel (unrightfully) hurt and confused by such things. It was my choice to come here. What did I expect… everyone to put their lives on hold so I could come home to what I remembered and wanted? I’m acting like a child. I don’t want to adjust to the way things have become. I don’t want to figure out where I fit now. I don’t know how to embrace the change that has occurred. Bottom line- I’m failing to trust God with it all.

When we told our preschoolers it was time to cleanup so we could move on to something different, it wasn’t to hurt them. It wasn’t to make them angry or sad or to ruin all their fun. We did it because it was necessary. If they played with blocks all day they wouldn’t get to experience the joy of the slide or the monkey bars or be able to feel the sunshine on their faces. If they played outside all day they wouldn’t learn necessary lessons like how to share or paint or count. But if they spent all their time working, they wouldn’t have time to nourish or rest their bodies which is so important for their health and growth. So while keeping things as they are might seem like the safer or easier option for the child, as the teacher I know change is necessary for their growth, development, and well being.

You’d think after being in the position of the teacher and understanding the necessity change I’d be able to accept it a little easier. Tonight we are celebrating New Years with American and Russian friends, the boys from Vologda are coming on Saturday, and on Sunday night my grand adventure to see (parts of) the world begins. Life is so good! Yet the past several days I’ve been battling fear and loneliness and feelings of deep inadequacy with it all culminating this morning with a tantrum of tears that could rival one of my three year olds (I decided to leave out the pounding and biting and hair pulling this time though). The truth is, as necessary and positive as change can be, sometimes it also really hurts. Sometimes it is scary and inconvenient and confusing. God, where was my five minute warning? You forgot to tell me what is coming next! This is harder than I expected…this isn’t what I was hoping for and I just don’t know where to go from here.

God, 2010 is a year of unknowns but may it be your year. It is so evident to me that there is much in my life I have failed to surrender to you. I still want it my way and I carry on like a child when your plans differ from my own. I question you when life is difficult and my heart is filled with heaviness. But if change is necessary for my growth or the growth of others, may I accept it with gratitude. You have brought me this far, I know you will not leave me now. 2010…here we go. Lord, show me how to trust. Father, show me how to love. Teacher, show me where you want me and who you want me to be. This isn’t what I expected, but I will choose to trust that this is what you planned. Thank you.

2009-12-29T12:44:00.000-08:00

The best is yet to come

2009-12-28T11:56:00.000-08:00

Three consecutive days in a row of blogging? People, this has got to be a record. Today as I was being introverted and antisocial, my journal and I made a startling realization. It is almost 2010. I find that incredibly difficult to believe (but I will save the sappy, sentimental post for another day). Today I made a list of all of the goals/things I want to accomplish/do. It's going to be a busy year.

READY? GO:
-Run a half marathon (no stress fracture will stop me this time!)
-Continue taking Russian lessons whether I'm in Russia or not
-Be the best teacher I can be
-Learn to how to salsa
-Climb Mt. St. Helens
-Try not to be such a socially awkward/inept freak
-Read Crime and Punishment (I know, I have no right being in Russia...)
-Get Katie Nestor back in my arms and never let her go
-Write a children's book
-Finish this year in Russia knowing I gave my all
-Trust God
-Figure out how to be asexual
-Make a fondant cake
-Find a job that makes a difference
-Eat healthier (I have to add this one...it's tradition)
-"Get" Jamie a magazine subscription for the third time, but this time actually send in the form. (Sorry, Heil)
-Appreciate life
-Better understand, appreciate, and utilize the power and privilege we have in prayer
-Get my second Hepatitus A shot that is long overdue and I was supposed to get before I came to Russia but I hate needles so I didn't. "oops"
-Forgive and forget for good. (Please notice the use of alliteration here)
-Have long hair

FOOD

2009-12-27T11:22:00.000-08:00

I miss food. Good food.

When I return to Seattle I plan on eating all of the following and as a result, gaining about ten pounds: (listed in no particular order)

-Thai Kitchen-Chicken Pad Thai and Pad See Ew
-Starbucks- Anything
-Costco-Hot dog
-Wasabi Bistro- Las Vegas roll
-The Rusty Pelican- an omelet and biscuit
-Forza- Peach Te Freeze and Pesto Chicken Tortellini
-Specialty's Bakery-Chocolate chip cream cheese croissant
-Red Robin- French fries!
-Molly Moons- Strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone
-Tawon Thai-Thai iced tea
-Tully's-Antioxidant smoothie
-Noah's Bagels-Pumpkin bagel and cream cheese
-The Powerhouse-Black bean burger
-Taco Time- Crisp taco kids meal

Satan's Mistress

2009-12-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

You'd think after four months of living in Russia, life here would stop surprising me. You'd think.

Today I made the trek to the post office to pick up a package. When I say trek...I mean trek. You see, we've found ourselves in a bit of a snow storm these past couple days and it takes a considerable amount of effort to get to one's destination. But nevertheless, a package is indeed worth the effort so I set out happily to the post office. As I was walking I passed a children's carnival thing in the park. I found it a little strange to have a carnival in December, but it's Russia, so whatever. Then a police car pulled up next to me. A man got out and waited for his partner. Imagine my surprise when a woman got out of the driver's seat and joined him. Now, it is not the fact that the police partner was a woman that surprised me. I'm all for equal opportunities and women gettin' out there and doin' their thang. What did surprise me was that fact that this female police officer was wearing HEELS. Call me crazy but I am of the belief that if you carry handcuffs and there is greater than a 5% chance you might have to chase someone, heels might not be the most appropriate footwear choice. However, I realize trying to convince a Russian woman of this would be next to impossible.

So I continued on my journey, laughing in my head about the carnival, the woman in heels, and the fact that about every fourth step I did a little dance on the ice...blissfully unaware of the tragic events that were about to take place.

I climbed the steps of the post office and opened the door. There, behind the counter, stood Satan's mistress. Really, it was her. I could tell she had just been waiting there all day for me to walk through that door so she could crush my spirit and devour my soul.

"Devushka" she barked. (Which literally means girl)

"Me?" I thought. "Is she talking to me?"

She said it again...only this time much louder and she looked right at me. Then she pointed to the door. Uh...I didn't know what to do. I looked at the door thinking maybe I had accidently left it open. No...it was closed. I told her in Russian that I did not understand. She took this to mean, "if you yell louder at the stupid American girl, she'll magically know Russian." So that's just what she did. She yelled. And pointed. And yelled some more. Her friends must have thought it looked like fun because they decided to join her...yelling and pointing and...did I mention yelling? I could not figure out what event could have possibly transpired to make them this upset (other than my birth, apparently) so I just stood there- stunned, panicking, and wishing I had paid better attention in the "what-to-do-when-mean- scary-russian-ladies-yell-at-you" session at training. Oh wait. We never had one of those.

Finally, a woman from the back came out, told them I was American, said something to her co-workers about me not understanding, and then put her hand out to see my package slip. I felt relief, thinking that perhaps this woman was saving me, when all of the sudden she crumpled up the slip I had given her and started talking to me angrily in Russian. She motioned that I needed to fill out a slip (which I had already done but she had decided crumple). By this time, I was holding back tears but determined not to give them the sastifaction of seeing me cry, I quickly filled out the form to the best of my ability. I handed it back, listened while Satan's mistress shouted a few last words to me, collected my package and walked out the door.

Customer service really is excellent here.

So this long, dramatic story is basically to tell you that I learned several important things today. They are as follows:
1. If I rob a bank, I should pray beforehand that the high heeled unit gets called to the scene.
2. I should avoid the post office from now on. At all costs.
3. Evil does exist. It has a slender build, a mullet and dark rimmed glasses.
4. It really is a good thing that Jesus loves everyone...because I don't.
5. I still have a lot of growing to do.

"I am dreaming tonight of a place I love..."

2009-12-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning with an excitment and heaviness in my heart. It is hard to believe, but today is Christmas Eve. I remember when I was little, the anticipation of Christmas was almost overwhelming. I would dream of what was waiting for me under the tree and delight in the gifts I had chosen and wrapped for others. As I have grown older, the excitement has faded slightly and the focus has shifted. While I still enjoy giving and receiving gifts, I have realized the enormous beauty and blessing in time spent celebrating with the ones you love. Family, friends, traditions, and experiences have made my Christmases memorable. And still, this year I'm finding my focus has shifted yet again. While the reason behind the celebrations has always been Christ, this year the meaning holds a greater and more genuine significance. Family, friends, and traditions will not make this Christmas this year...distance won't allow it. But even when take away the parties, the traditions, the decorations, and even the warm fuzzies, you are still left with a child. He is the beginning, the end, and the unchangable reason we celebrate.

So Merry Christmas, friends and family! Know that my heart aches for and rejoices with you.

"Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to ALL people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.."

CREAM CHEESE

2009-12-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

Today was a monumental day. I found cream cheese in the store. Yes, folks, you read that correctly...cream cheese has found its way to St. Petersburg. This means we can still celebrate Christmas because now I can make stuffed mushrooms. Whew, I know you were worried. Of course, I did spend half my pay check securing this little wonder into my posession, but sometimes you need to make sacrifices. And I, because of the kind, giving, generous person that I am, decided to make that sacrifice and buy that cream cheese so I can make stuffed mushrooms and we can celebrate Christmas the way Jesus probably intended. And if those roommates of mine are lucky...I might even share.

Still not who I want to be...

2009-12-21T12:32:00.000-08:00

I know I'm on a journey but man...I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be.

Last night I was watching vidoes on youtube of Ukrainian and Russian orphans. Though this was pretty much a weekly occurance in the months following Ukraine and leading to Russia, it is something I haven't done in a while. As I watched them, I felt the stirrings of familiar feelings-grief, love, compassion, anger, and passion. Up until viewing those videos, the thoughts of my week included: shopping, sleeping in, finishing grades, boys (don't worry...not Russian boys), not feeling homesick, and food.

All trivial.

I love it when God reminds me of the bigness of his world, his love, and his work. Such moments remind me of how small and insignificant my selfish thoughts and desires can be. They remind me that there is so much more to life than shopping, boys, food, or even those I long for. It seems that such a realization should bring about disappointment. What? It's not all about me? But the truth is, I can't tell you the relief such reminders bring. Thank God, it's not all about me. What a boring, purposeless life that would be. I'm tired of the smallness of my thoughts and dreams. I'm tired of worrying about stupid things. Life is SO much bigger than foolish and fleeting desires.

Lord, forgive me for losing my focus and reducing life to existence. Remind me who you are, who I am, and who you have called me to be. Bring me to those your heart aches for, teach me how to love like you, and remind me that I am just as broken. God you are good. Your love is inclusive, your motives are pure, and your existence is hope. Make me like you.

Here's the deal

2009-12-20T11:32:00.001-08:00

I want to adopt.

Adventures in Underwear

2009-12-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

For a while, Seattle was actually colder than St. Petersburg but I think we are doing our part over here to catch up with you Seattleites. This morning I woke up to more snow on the ground and a temperature of -14 degrees Celsius....which is somewhere around 7 degrees Fahrenheit. Brrr. That's chilly. My students love to tell me that it's only going to get colder. I tell them to shut up. (Okay...I only think about telling them to shut up...)

My friend Arina and I have gotten into the routine of running on Tuesday evenings together. It is nice to run with someone because on days you normally would wimp out if you were going by yourself; you have someone there to tell you to suck it up. Today was my day for wanting to wimp out. I tried twice to convince her that today probably wasn't the best day to go running. The first time I texted her and told her my face would be cold (wussy excuse, I know.) She told me she had cream for that. Dangit. Then I reminded her it was really, pretty chilly out there. She said she was aware of this and that she would see me in fifteen minutes. Man, those Russians are tough.

So I sucked it up the best I could and we went for our weekly run. Once I had warmed up enough to feel my fingers and my vision was no longer blurry, I really was glad for her persistence. I got to experience snot freezing in my nose for the first time. It was an odd and disgusting sensation. But that is beside the point.

As we were running, Arina asked if I was cold and I told her the only parts of my body that were cold were my nose and my thighs. She said I needed to wear warmer clothes and to this I replied that I was wearing long underwear under my workout pants. She looked at me kind of funny and then went on to tell me that she was wearing underwear too, but she also had tights on underneath her pants. I lost it.

Sometimes language/cultural barriers can be frustrating. Sometimes they can be downright funny. "Long underwear" meant nothing to my Russian friend. To Arina, it simply seemed like I had decided to wear underwear for our run and was randomly telling her about it. I explained the meaning of this mysterious long underwear and we had a pretty good laugh about it. I still smile when I think about it. But in addition to giving me a good laugh, I also had a moment where life...this crazy Russian life I am currently living... felt incredibly comfortable and normal. I've missed that feeling of comfort and normalcy but I've done a better job this week of embracing and appreciating all that life overseas entails. Sometimes life here is hilarious. Sometimes it is difficult. Sometimes it is downright ridiculous. And sometimes, on long runs with snot freezing in your nose, laughing with a not-so-brandnew-friend...it just feels like home.

Samuel

2009-12-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

"...I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing."

2 Samuel 24: 24

Ice Skating

2009-12-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

My roommates and I went ice skating with some of my students and we had a blast. I cannot skate to save my life but I made it around the rink mulitiple times with the help of my new friends and I even skated a bit on my own (always keeping the wall at an arms length though.) Next time I'll be a little more daring...the center of the rink awaits me! It really was a great night :-)