I can be an emotional person sometimes- let's just get that out there. When I feel things I feel them with great intensity (specifically joy, sadness, excitement, and anxiety). Since being in Russia I feel like my emotions have leveled off some. Until recently, I could probably count on one hand (okay, maybe one and a half) the number of times I've had a good hard cry here. That might not sound like much to you but taking all things into consideration (being a girl, living in a foreign country, being a girl, missing my family and friends, being a girl...) I find it quite impressive. However, since returning from my European excursion, I've felt completely weighed down by the darkness that surrounds me. Maybe it is the cold, or loneliness, or a fear of what is to come. Maybe it a combination of a lot of things. Either way, I've felt a fair amount of sadness, loneliness and dare I say, even hopelessness lately. So I've put in some time feeling sorry for myself, uped the crying finger count to toes, and came to a conclusion I'm pretty confident in: I'm PMSing and I just need more Jesus in my life.
This morning I was reading in Romans and I came across a particular passage that made my heart feel soft, squishy, and slightly pathetic for wasting so much time and emotion not trusting God with my life. The "he" in this passage is referring to Abraham. It reads:
"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he promised." Romans 4:20-21
Read it again, but let the squishy heart factor sink in this time.
""...being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised."
I feel like there are a lot of things going on right now. Some decisions to make, some loneliness to battle, some insecurities to overcome...but God IS still in control. He hasn't brought me to this country or place in my life to leave me or without a purpose in mind. My belief needs to be more like that of Abraham's. I need to believe in spite of the odds, my circumstances, and emotions, for God is bigger than them all.
I'm living in a big world that just keeps on getting bigger. No matter where I am, there are people I love and miss. I guess this is just another beautiful and painful reality of life. I'm learning to risk, dare, try, believe, and hope. Basically, I'm just learning to love.