Monday, April 21, 2008


Tonight I was supposed to meet a friend so I drove over to SPU and waited. We ended up rescheduling but while I was there, I walked through campus and felt a strange sadness I did not expect to feel. I looked up at the big windows of Moyer and thought about the time I built gingerbread houses in the "1.5" or stayed up late studying. Thoughts of my friends from freshman year and the adventures we had came to mind. I thought about sophomore year and all of the tears but also all of the laughter. A year of firsts. I thought about junior year and moving into the step closer to independence. I thought about the golf games, staying up late, walking to 711, baking eclairs, selling tulips, cramming, and watching movies.

I went up to the University Ministries office and there too, I was reminded of what has already been. I saw my Latreia coordinator notebook and flyers for SPRINT. I thought of the hours I had spent in the office or in cadre. So many memories...good and bad flooded my mind.

Life changes. Sometimes I think we don't even realize that big changes have already occurred until something stands as a reminder to what was. In many ways I feel like I've already left SPU but have forgotten to say goodbye. Student teaching keeps me away from campus and the one night that I'm there, I'm usually so ready to be home that I don't stick around to feel like a student. I don't know how I feel about things. On one hand I'm so excited for graduation. I feel like I'm in this awkward in between time. I no longer feel like a student but I'm certainly not being paid for the hard work that goes into student teaching. I think I'm ready to step forward from this. But that means saying goodbye to a huge, life changing chapter in my life. Ready or a little over a month that is exactly what I'll be doing. So I'll set my mind to enjoying this time while it lasts and thanking God for the memories and lessons that I have learned along the way.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Yesturday was a beautiful day to me. Here's why:
-I woke up at 7:45 (my choice)
-I played in the park with a 5 year old
-I saw all of the parents with their kids in the park and suddenly got excited about what is yet to come in my life
-Ethan and I went to Julia's bakery. I read Star Wars to him while he successfully made a mess of his chocolate chip muffin
-We played with sidewalk chalk
-I got paid to play
-I ate my leftovers from the spaghetti factory
-I painted my nails -toes and fingers
-I wore flip flops for the first time this year
-I sat out on our front "porch" for an hour and read and wrote in my journal
-I watched to kids down the street eat ice cream sandwhiches and I felt almost giddy thinking about summer
-Todd and I got Jamba Juice and vistited in a park
-Andrea and I went to IHOP at 9:00 last night. What a wonderful thing stuffed french toast is.

My day was wonderful and the perfect reminder that often in the midst of chaos and stress, God will send little things (like sunshine and warmth) to brighten our day (literally) and remind us of the beauty in life. Thanks, God.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Walk On

"Yesterday, when you were young,
everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own but you find you're all alone,
what can you do?

You and me walk on
cause you can't go back now.
You know there will be days
when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars
and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get
but you and me walk on
cause you can't go back now and yeah, yeah,

go where you want to go
be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around,
you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
but in the end,
the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself
and you and me walk on yeah you and me walk on
cause you can't go back now
walk on,
walk on,
walk on
you can't go back now..."

Sunday, April 6, 2008


For better or worse, I am an emotional person. I think it has only been within the past few years that I've been able to admit to that. In some ways, I see this as a good thing. My heart is easily broken for those who hurt and suffer. It does not take much for me to empathize with another or want to ease another's pain. On the other hand, I sometimes experience such joy that my stomach feels as if it is about to burst. It is a wonderful feeling that I honestly can't find the words to fully explain. Yes, I am emotional. I feel things deeply-both joy and sorrow

But what an awful thing being an emotional person can be. I feel like one day I can be on top of the world and the next I can't seem to climb out from under the weight of the world. God, what purpose is there in this? All I know is that tonight I feel loneliness and dread. And no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it or remind myself what a wonderful life I have, my heart continues to ache. What am I doing? Why am I like this?

Snap out of it, Elizabeth. Life is bigger than yesterday, today, tomorrow, and especially your emotions.

I need peace.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

a house made of cards

“The real damage is done by those millions who want to just ’survive.’ The honest men who just want to be left alone in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honor, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bad guys won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn: fidelity to Christ.”
Sophie Scholl

Friday, April 4, 2008

here we go again...

I do not understand why I feel the way that I so often do. Where does this anxiety come from? Lord, God, I don't see the reason or purpose for this...but I'll trust that you do.

"Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
~Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


Dear Elizabeth,

Why do you worry so much? And why are you so awkward? These are two things you should probably work on.

In other news, today was yet another beautiful day. But try to be a bit more productive tomorrow.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dear Elizabeth,

Dear Elizabeth,

You came upon a letter today that you wrote to yourself in high school. Make sure you hide was pretty embarrassing and you wouldn't want anyone to stumble upon it. But it talked about who you were, who you wanted to be, and what you wanted to remember about life on March 10, 2002. Reading it again today, it made you realize that so many of your dreams have already come true and that there are still so many dreams ahead of you. But you must not live solely for them. Remember today as well.

Elizabeth, today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and you could feel that spring weather is on its way. And you're on spring break and you've already had time to relax, sleep in, and have fun...and you're not even halfway through break! Life is good! And despite what you might feel at are so lucky to be in school. You have the opportunity to learn and grow and be challenged. Please try to remember that next Monday when your alarm goes off at 6:30am.

And your friends. Elizabeth, you have some pretty great friends. Make the time for them. You're busy, yes. You're tired, yes. You have to get up early, yes. But they are amazing people and you truly do need them in your life.

You started eating healthier and working out again. Go you. But do it for the right reasons. Do it to feel good. Do it to be healthy. Do it for the energy you'll gain. But please don't compare yourself. You're so good at comparing yourself but it's time you focused your energy on accepting yourself.

Like I said, today was a beautiful day. Remember to thank God for it. And when you're feeling down or worn out...remember that days like today will come once again and it won't be long before you're reading this again, wondering how time could pass so quickly.